I was going through a quarter-life crisis and found myself completely depressed at 28 years old. I was single, no kids, and feeling completely unappreciated in my job. I was extremely anxious about the future because moving forward would mean taking 3 steps back…and even then it wasn’t a guarantee that I’d be actually progressing in life.
Living with depression
In my early 20’s I was the life of the party. I was that bubbly, out-going girl with a vibrant social life and a six figure corporate career. On the outside, everything looked perfect but it was all smoke and mirrors. I was in and out of toxic relationships for most of my 20s, had a pretty traumatic childhood with an emotionally unavailable father and a highly anxious and highly stressed mother who took all her anger and dissatisfaction in her relationship out on her children. But I went to a private school, got a College degree and had a pretty successful career in the advertising industry.
The shame and guilt of not being satisfied with my somewhat comfortable life was making me severely depressed until I discovered an incredible therapist who changed the course of my life. I didn’t realise there were so many habits, judgments and subconscious beliefs that I was carrying that were completely messing up my life!
According to BeyondBlue, one in six Australians is currently experiencing depression or anxiety or both. This is equivalent to 3.2 million people today. (https://www.beyondblue.org.au/media/statistics)
Sure, life has its ups and downs and we experience loss and pain but if it’s all a part of life why do we continue to suffer even after certain events happen in our life? Why isn’t it easy to just leave things in the past where they belong and move on with our life?
Is it our perspective? Is it because misery loves company? Are we doomed to feelings of unworthiness for the rest of our lives? Why aren’t more people living in joy, loving life and fulfilling their wildest dreams?
Well after 5+ years and $50,000 invested in courses, books, events, mentorship, therapy and masterminds later, I discovered some of the best kept secrets to joy that make living life with ease and joy my daily norm today!
Most people, due to their circumstances, believe joy and ease in life is reserved for the lucky few and because of this belief continue a vicious cycle of self sabotage, never able to break the chains of their self-defeating philosophies.
Maybe you’ve experienced this yourself. Maybe you’ve felt your circumstances are too hard to take charge of or change?
Well, there’s 6 mistakes you might be making right now that are costing you your happiness.
The 6 Mistakes
Mistake #1 – You pursue your desires and instant gratification resulting in a scarcity mentality loop.
Pursuing your desires in life, instead of living a life aligned with your values can be the difference between living joyfully and feeling abundant and living depressed and feeling lack. Our desires can deceive our soul’s true desires. Sometimes they’ve been fabricated by society, our peers and our family so they don’t always represent what our soul truly craves. When we live to primarily please our desires (sex, money, power etc.) we may find life more difficult and unsatisfying but if we live life in alignment with our values first then we will have less reasons to experience feelings of scarcity and lack and as a result, we’re much happier.
When we pursue our desires without considering what we value, we close our heart to the possibility of something better entering our reality that could be far more gratifying. When we consider what we value then pursue what we desire based on those values, we open ourself up to limitless possibilities!
Mistake# 2 – You take 100% responsibility for other people’s actions and struggle to set boundaries.
If you are someone who constantly feels guilt or shame you may regularly fall into the trap of taking responsibility for other people’s actions. Taking 100% responsibility for others actions or blaming others 100% are both common trauma responses to not knowing what your needs are and not knowing how to feel safe getting your needs met if you did. This is why you might look to others to get your needs met and blame them when you don’t get what you need. Setting boundaries would help you recognise what your needs are so you can focus on meeting them yourself first, before asking for help.
When we shift from always taking responsibility for others actions to practicing setting boundaries and expressing our authentic self, we find the right people start to gravitate towards us making it easier to have our needs met.
Mistake #3 – You blame others for nearly everything and that makes you feel like a powerless victim.
As I mentioned in Mistake #2, taking 100% responsibility for others actions is a trauma response to not getting our needs met. The other side of the coin is that blaming others is also a sign that we aren’t fulfilling our own needs and feel powerless to do so.
We blame to deflect the pain of not getting our needs met. The best way to reclaim your power in this instance is to turn inwards and examine the expectations you have of others. When we become aware of what our expectations are and take responsibility for them, we immediately release the attachment we’ve unconsciously placed on others, giving us space to think of ways of how we can meet our own needs.
Mistake #4 – You’re using positive thinking strategies that make you feel broken.
It’s no secret that ‘positive thinking’ and the ‘law of attraction’ took the world by storm when the book ‘The Secret’ came out in 2006. Positive thinking and attracting what we want, with as little effort as possible, is highly desirable but there’s one thing missing…The truth.
The teachings subtly imply that any lower vibrations thoughts or emotions are bad and will stop you from attracting positive things into your life. This leaves us feeling broken and worse about ourselves when we simply can’t help but have negative thoughts.
Having negative thoughts are completely normal and thinking positively won’t stop them.
What you need is a good dose of the ‘truth’ and that shall set you free, releasing the resistance you have around positive thoughts.
Mistake #5 – You always need to be right and make it hard for yourself to connect with others.
Just because somebody has a different opinion than you, doesn’t mean you’re wrong and they’re right or vice versa. We’re all operating at different consciousness levels and perspectives at any given moment, depending on our life experiences. Your goal should not be to change someone’s mind or make them believe you’re right but to inspire them with your example. The saying ‘be the change you wish to see’ is powerful for a reason. To be able to shift from needing to be right to making space for a difference in opinion begins with practicing detachment. If we are too attached to a belief, we will push our agenda much stronger and become intolerable or controlling making it much harder for us to be able to connect with others in a loving and preferable way.
Mistake #6 – You trust others too easily and as a result are hurt often.
Vulnerability is the key to connection but if not strategically offered it can leave you prone to trusting others too easily, inviting narcissists and toxic people into your life and leaving you hurt.
There are a few main reasons we trust others too easily.
One reason we trust others too easily is we seek validation from others about what we really need to believe within ourselves. This is called a ‘power gap’. Anybody who has a selfish agenda will scan for your power gaps so they can use it as a means to control you. This is a dangerous contract to enter and it immediately gives your power away to the other person. In order to close the power gap, you need to build your confidence and self-esteem and validate yourself. This won’t happen overnight, if you struggle with self-trust or self-esteem issues but with the right education and support around you, you’ll be able to close your power gaps and trusting people too easily won’t be an issue because you’ll trust yourself first!
While my depression was a phase in my life, I suffered for way longer than I needed to simply because of these 6 mistakes I was making over and over again. I wasn’t aware of my own authentic power and that everything I needed was already within me and that I could ask for help when I needed it and to not feel ashamed or guilty about that. With a few small shifts in how I was approaching my day to day life, I began to feel much happier. Life is hard as it is, let’s not give ourselves any more reasons to be unhappy! Be the change you wish to see and be happy now.
Do you need immediate relief from depression, anxiety or a toxic relationship? Let me help guide you through the process of healing in my brand new online course ‘Healing To Happiness’. Book a complimentary call with Tahnya here.